Only in the Philippines

Note: This is a reprint from an email from Jojo Lamaria. I'm not sure if Jojo penned it, but I'm reprinting it anyway here because the piece defines the country of our hopes and sorrows.


PHILIPPINES - The only place on earth where......
Every street has a basketball court.
Even doctors, lawyers and engineers are unemployed.
Doctors study to become nurses for employment abroad.
Students pay more money than they will earn afterwards.
School is considered the second home and the mall considered the
third.
Call-center employees earn more money than teachers and nurses.
Everyone has his personal ghost story and superstition.
Mountains like Makiling and Banahaw are considered holy places.
Everything can be forged.
All kinds of animals are edible.
Starbucks coffee is more expensive than gas.
Driving 4 kms. can take as much as four hours.
Flyovers bring you from the freeway to the side streets.
Crossing the street involves running for your dear life.
The personal computer is mainly used for games and Friendster.
Where colonial mentality is dishonestly denied!
Where 4 a.m. is not even considered bedtime yet.
People can pay to defy the law.
Everything and everyone is spoofed.
Where even the poverty-stricken get to wear Ralph Lauren and
Tommy Hilfiger ("peke" or fake)!
The honking of car horns is a way of life.
Being called a bum is never offensive.
Floodwaters take up more than 90 percent of the streets during
the rainy season.
Where everyone has a relative abroad who keeps them alive.
Where wearing your national colors make you baduy (poor dresser).
Where even the poverty-stricken have the latest cell phones.
(GSM-galing sa magnanakaw or great stealing maneuvers)
Where insurance does not work.
Where water can only be classified as tap and dirty - clean water is
for sale (35 pesos per gallon).
Where the government makes the people pray for miracles.
(Amen to that!)
Where University of the Philippines is where all the weird people go.
Ateneo is where all the nerds go. La Salle is where all the Chinese
go.
College of St. Benilde is where all the non-intelligent Chinese go, and
University
of Asia and the Pacific is where all the irrelevantly rich people
go.
Fast food is a diet meal.
Traffic signs are merely suggestions, not regulations.
Where being mugged is normal. It happens to everyone.
Rodents are normal house pets.
The definition of traffic is the 'non-movement' of vehicles.
Where the ! fighter planes of the 1940s are used for military
engagements,
and the new fighter planes are displayed in museums.
Where cigarettes and alcohol are a necessity, and where the lottery
is a commodity.
Where soap operas tell the realities of life and where the news
provides the drama.
Where actors make the rules and where politicians provide the
entertainment.
People can get away with stealing trillions of pesos, but not a
thousand.
Where being an hour late is still considered punctual.

("Grabe talaga 'to!" The following is plain ludicrous:) Where the squatters have more to complain (even
if they do not pay their taxes) ---- than those employed and
have their taxes automatically deducted from their salaries....

and where everyone wants to leave the country!

FILIPINO SIGNS OF WIT:
The sign in a flower shop in Diliman called Petal Attraction;
a 24-hour restaurant called Doris Day & Night;
Barber shop called: Felix The Cut;
a bakery named Bread Pitt and another, Anita Bakery;
food place selling 'maruya' (banana fritters) called Maruya
Carey.
Then, there are Christopher Plumbing;
a boutique called The Way We Wear;
a video rental shop called Leon King Video Rental;
a restaurant in the Cainta called Caintacky Fried Chicken;
a l! ocal burger restaurant called Mang Donald's;
a doughnut shop called MacDonuts;
a shop selling 'lumpia' (egg roll) in Makati called Wrap
and Roll;
and two butcher shops called Meating Place and Meatropolis.
Smart travelers can decipher what may look like baffling signs to
unaccustomed foreigners by simply sounding out the 'Taglish' (the
Philippine version of English words spelled and pronounced with a
heavy Filipino such as, at a restaurant menu in Cebu : 'We hab
sopdrink
in can an in batol' [translation: We have soft drinks in can and
in bottle].
Then, there is a sewing accessories shop called: Bids And Pises
[translation: Beads and Pieces --or-- Bits and Pieces].
There are also many signs with either badly chosen or! misspelled
words, but they are usually so entertaining that it would be a
mistake to 'correct'
them like.......

In a restaurant in Baguio City , the 'summer capital' of the
Philippines :
'Wanted: Boy Waitress';
on a highway in Pampanga:
'We Make Modern Antique Furniture;'
on the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan :
'We Shoot You While You Wait';
and on the glass front of a cafe in Panay Avenue in Manila :
' Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier.'
Some of the notices can even give a wrong impression, such as,
a shoe store in Pangasinan which has a sign saying:
'We Sell Imported Robber Shoes' (these could be the
'sneakiest' Sneakers, eh)!;
and a rental property sign in Jaro, reads:
'House For Rent, Fully Furnaced' (it must really be hot
inside)!
Occasionally, one could come across signs that are truly unique--if
not
altogether odd.
City in southern Philippines , which said:
'Adults: 1 peso; Child: 50 centavos;
Cadavers: fare subject to negotiation.'
European tourists may also be intrigued to discover two competing
shops selling hopia (a Chinese pastry) called Holland Hopia and
Poland Hopia, which are owned and operated by two local Chinese
entrepreneurs,
Mr. Ho and Mr. Po respectively--(believe it or not)!
Some folks also 'creatively' redesign English to be more efficient.
'The creative confusion between language and culture leads to more
than
just simple unintentional errors in syntax, but in the adoption of
new
words,' says reader Robert Goodfellow, who came across a sign .....
'House Fersallarend' (house for sale or rent). Why use five words
when two will do? !
According to Manila businessman, Tonyboy Ongsiako, there is so much
wit in the Philippines because '. . . we are a country where a good
sense of
humor is needed to survive. We have a 24-hour comedy show here called
the government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of
politicians and bad actors.
Now I ask you where else in the world would one want to live?